Manjuries

So, for the last few days, my neck has felt terrible and trying to write my last post while ignoring how it felt led me to think about my topic for this post. There is an image most men work to publicly maintain about how our injuries either do not affect us in any way, are unnoticed entirely, or are minor "nuisances." Short of extreme or unexpected harm, we menfolk will pretend nothing is amiss and continue with our normal routines. Only in private does this facade break (wherein we can be found curled into a fetal ball waiting for the worst to pass).

This is not to say that women are, by any means, less durable or iron-willed when it comes to ignoring physical discomfort. There are legends in certain cultures of women giving birth on the battlefield and immediately returning to the murder-make. For the sake of comparison, the thought of kidney or gall stones will make any man inwardly cringe just to think about.

I am going to break an unspoken law of men now, and offer a rudimentary translation guide for the varying levels of injuries that can befall a man. Following that will be an example of his reaction to this injury and an explanation of what the man is really trying to say.

Level One: The Stubbed Toe
Man's Reaction: "Ow!" (More often, a loud expletive is uttered in the moment of shock immediately following the injury.)
What He Means: "This isn't worth the effort of hiding, and you've already heard me yell, so I might as well threaten the inanimate object I hurt myself on in a playful way and let the moment pass."

Level Two: The Low Blow
Man's Reaction(Barring immediate physical retaliatory action): "Really? That's it?" *Chuckle*
What He Means: "Oh, God, it's broken! I can feel them in my stomach! Must...turn...whimper of agony...into humorous retort... (Men laughing at such an occurrence do so as a means of masking their attempt to shake their genitals loose of their lower abdomen.)

Level Three: Broken Bones
Man's Reaction: "Hey, check this out!"
What He Means: "By the time the endorphins wear off, I better be at a hospital pumped full of morphine or I will kill someone! Is that...Is that a fucking bone sticking out right there!?"

Level Four: Knife and Bullet Wounds
Man's Reaction: "Oh, this is gonna make an awesome story! I'm just like .50 Cent now!"
What He Means: "Christ, I'm like an extra on the set of 'OZ.' I'll be dead in ten minutes!"

Level Five: Death
Man's Reaction: "Give me a minute. Just need to catch my breath."
What He Means: *Scientific testing has yet to verify the exact meaning of the male reaction to being deceased.

Final Thoughts: What's interesting to note is that the severity of the injury is inversely proportional to the amount of bravado found in the male response to physical injury. Further testing will offer greater insight into this phenomenon.