I consider myself a fairly level-headed individual, but sometimes, I catch my fears sending my thoughts to places I'd rather they left alone. Worries are like stones. Wear away at them long enough and you always find a deeper layer of concern, some personal issue or trouble that you spend most hours of the day subconsciously filing away under the "Shit I Can't Let Affect Me" category. Some problems, that's how you have to address them; push the nagging doubts further down, relax the icy knot in your stomach and keep moving forward.
Over the years, I've learned to trust my instincts in most cases. Intuition is the greatest provider of common sense that I know of, as long as you're willing to accept the truth of a given situation. Especially when talking with people, it's my intuition that clues me in when there's something truly important to be discussed. Hearing between the lines, I guess you could call it. And there is a part of me that longs to tear apart the obligations of formality and call people out when I can tell there is something on their mind that they're not saying. With my temperament, I'm more inclined to appreciate blunt honesty than any attempt at rhetoric.
I've gone far enough in trusting my instinct that my own inner monologue has split to represent two distinct aspects of my personality. In my head, when working through a problem or trying to understand another person's perspective (how they might be feeling, how they might react in a situation, the likelihood of particular events occurring, etc.), I can hear my mind as if on autopilot, reading off cues and molding pieces together to arrive at a conclusion which fits the scenario. There is a measure of empathy involved in this; life is not a cold equation.
The problem I'm getting at, however, is that my judgment is not infallible in these cases, particularly when the charnel house that is my subconscious throws open its doors and all my self-doubt and fears spill out to fight my rational mind for dominance. The intuitive leaps of logic normally made and proven correct when focused on others I am less emotionally attached to become stumbling blocks when amalgamated to my "Expect the worst, hope for the best" outlook. For the people closest to me, the ones I am invested in, this can be a matter of great stress. I have, in the past, convinced myself that my own worst fears were, in fact, reality, by using my instincts to find ways to support my expectations rather than relaxing and accepting that some answers would be uncertain without asking that the truth be given to me by my friends (which complicates the problem when I start relying on that external input as an emotional panacea).
The term mandala is a Sanskrit word meaning "circle." To give credit where it's due, I ripped that line almost verbatim from Wikipedia for the sake of expediency. Applied to rational-vs.-irrational thought, I think the mandala is an appropriate representation for the way my (and most) mind snags itself when caught in the gravitas of a worry that has no easy solution. Again, life is not a cold equation (I use that term in reference to a Tom Godwin short story from the mid-1950's. Highly recommended!), yet people-because I'm not the only one who does this-plug their own interpretations, expectations and cues in together as if their problems are mathematical in nature. But the problem with handling worries in that manner is, not only can we not be sure how to find the solution to every problem, but we can't even be confident in knowing every variable well enough to be sure the answers we do settle for are correct.
Sometimes, it feels like my emotions are the hands shaking the Etch-a-Sketch showing me the whole picture.
Another interpretation of the mandala is one of a spiraling circle. In true Buddhist fashion, following the path of that circle is meant to lead to deeper understanding. The purpose for my writing of this post tonight was to emotionally purge myself after several hours of co-mingling doubt and rationalization took me down that path, starting from my concerns over the well-being or activities of friends and family, ending finally with my being forced to acknowledge a lingering sense of worry as to my place in the world at the time of this writing. My final thought on the matter before turning to this site was "I am not where I want to be. I am not who I should be." Common enough thoughts, right? Like I said before, these are usually kept in a tightly locked part of my brain with a seal reading "Shit I Can't Let Affect Me."
In the end, the only answer to the Riddle of Worry is found in waiting. Having patience, realistic expectations and the knowledge that nothing is certain until it's either confirmed by all parties involved, or mentioned on Facebook. The (mutilated) phrase "The journey not the destination" applies here also. In looking for the truth, putting our minds to the metaphorical grindstone and following the mandala's path, we learn to filter out the white noise created when our emotions try to rule our hearts and minds.
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